I have a confession to make. It’s already mid-way through the day that I usually post these updates and I’m having to force myself to sit down and churn this one out. It’s one of those absolutely perfect pre-Fall days where the sun is shining but it’s brisk and you get to wear your leather jacket for the first time that year. The leaves are juuuust starting to change color and the weeds aren’t popping up every time you turn your back, so you can really just stop and appreciate the foliage all around you. There are so many things I want to do today: hop in the car with Sadie and find an orchard for hard cider and donuts (cleanse be damned), paint the fence panels we put up over the weekend, move some of the dormant plants out of the future vegetable garden, work on updating my acting reel for my managers, or play around on the new ukulele I bought a few days ago.

But I have to remind myself that these bi-monthly accounts are actually a valuable check-in for me as well as an update for you. I often feel pressured to charge ahead and make up for lost time in this new life I’m building, and things like meditating, yoga, and even journaling have waned so much in the last 8 months. Now that I’ve awakened this other side of my soul I’m like an eager toddler, wanting to climb everything, try everything… Thankfully I’m still a practical person and I do exhaustive research before beginning my projects (well, most of them). But the reflection and processing would probably be left out if not for these blogs.

Looking back over these last two weeks, it’s pretty wild to realize just how much happened. If I try to go through event by event it might give me a headache and not make for great reading, so let’s stick with the highlights. Or at least the things I’m most excited about. Excitement is such an important element in my life. When I’m feeling stuck or depressed I invigorate myself with little beacons of light in the near future that I can look forward to. And as for looking back, I’d like to think I hold onto those moments when they’ve passed, and remember the negative moments only as learning tools.

Something at the top of my list this time is the new fence we’re building around the duck enclosure. I don’t know why we thought we could do something ourselves that people get paid big money to do professionally, but somehow we backed up our bravado. If you’ll remember, when we first moved in, the fence was absolutely covered with thick, snaky vines, which we slowly removed. But over the years the fence bowed and broke under the strain and we’ve patched it here and there, but it still looks jenky and probably isn’t the most secure. Maybe we could/should have left well enough alone, but I have this nagging voice in my head that urges me to make things as beautiful as they can be while also being efficient. I’m not a big supporter of the “good enough” mentality- something that might drive my husband a little crazy sometimes. But he’s a yes man and he loves me so we started planning out the new fence during a date night at a local bar. What that bartender thought we were up to is anyone’s guess. (And don’t worry- we took all measurements during the day and not under the influence!) After a little bit of research to make sure we were somewhat prepared, we picked a weekend and just got to work. Lowe’s supplied us with the lumber, braces, chicken wire, and expanding foam for the post hole, and then the physical labor was on the two of us. Sadie paced around or slept in the turned up earth, and the ducks gave us their skeptical side-eye, but we actually pulled off a very sturdy and very straight first side of the fence! A friend gave us the great suggestion of building the new perimeter outside of the existing one, so that we can leave the old one intact while we build. There’s no way we could have finished this job in a day and it’s not fair to leave the ducks inside for longer than that, so spreading it out over a few weeks is our only option. The timing should work out that we finish before the ground gets really hard and before we have guests for Thanksgiving. It’s actually a relief to be able to take our time and discuss what worked and what didn’t, and to rev up for the next round of building. I’d like to think it will get easier with each new section, but my husband reminded me we have to build a new gate on the final section, and there might be some cut fingers, stubbed toes, and short tempers to deal with. Not to mention extra trips to Lowe’s for more oops wood!

I think as duck enclosures go, this one is on the massive and expensive side. But knock on (expensive) wood, we won’t have to do this again and the duckies will be safe. Plus, we’re learning such great skills and earning more sweat equity in this place. Aaaaand now there’s room for at least 3 more ducks or a few geese, right? RIGHT? I’ve gone back and forth on geese breeds and I’m still debating about Pilgrim vs Sebastapol. And as for ducks, I wouldn’t mind trying to incubate some Welsh Harlequins next year. Maybe if I’m the first face they see when they hatch they won’t scream bloody murder whenever I try to handle them! But in all seriousness, Sadie is our real pet. These ducks are here for a purpose and we’re doing our best to make them as comfortable and safe and content in return. But speaking of, they’ve gotta start laying eggs soon. We’ve invested so much in them and they’re still freeloading! These breeds are supposed to start laying between 4-6 months of age and ours are all just over 5 months, so we’re still hopefully checking the shed every morning, but for now to no avail. Now I’m just hoping we get our Thanksgiving frittata!

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The ducks themselves are all doing well and only move as a flock now. There’s still a little pecking when there are too many heads in the water dish, but nothing to worry about. They’ve learned that the big black trash cans that I turned into rain barrels actually hold the nectar of life: water. And they waddle over and march in place whenever I come out with a bowl of lettuce and put it under one of the spigots. By the way, the rain barrels were such a fun and easy project. I got 3 sturdy rubber 30-gallon trash bins and 3 rain barrel spigots from Home Depot. Then I used an exacto knife to cut a small hole for the spigot and a hole in the lid. I placed the lid upside down so it acts as a bowl to catch the water and set the barrels up on a cinder block. As a last convenience, I filled a few inches of pea gravel into the bottom of each one so that the water level stays up by the spigot and debris sinks below the stones. It’s obviously not suitable for drinking water for us (except in case of an emergency when we’d boil it first), but it’s perfect for those mid-day refills for the ducks who guzzle water like it’s beer on Spring Break. Someday we’ll get a water line run out there, but for now this is a great solution. And I sort of love those off-grid life hacks, anyway.

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I also had what my husband called, “A totally Joanna kind of day.” Remember the farm where we get our CSA? I casually inquired whether they might be looking for more part time work and they hired me! Which meant that last week I spent the morning on my knees in the dirt, picking and peeling leeks and potatoes, chatting with the other farmhands about our favorite preservation methods, and then went home, showered, and headed off to rehearsal for the choir I’m now a part of! Neither one of those “jobs” is easy. But they challenge me in different ways. I’m finding that I love waking up while it’s still dark, putting on my farm clothes (some great finds from Salvation Army), and getting to work in the dirt all day. My brain works only as hard as it wants to and some of the minor anxieties that come from too much time to worry seem to die down. It’s rewarding pulling eggplants or tomatoes off the vine with that satisfying snap and seeing your basket fill to the top. And of course I love riding on the back of the tractor trailer, especially when we drove it through a small river to get to the fields on the other side! A huge bonus of this job is that I can take home any of the less-than-perfect veggies for myself. I’ve been cooking up a storm (even more than usual), to make sure nothing goes to waste. And the ducks are thrilled with the daily fresh lettuce I’ve been saving for them. And then I go to choir rehearsal and put on my musician’s hat. The material isn’t easy which means I focus my brain on reading the notes in front of me while keeping an eye on the conductor’s instructions. The singers are all spread out and masked so it requires even more listening to blend and move as a group. I’ve missed this kind of singing. It’s so different from what I’ve been doing as a soloist or with The Buttery Barmaids, but I can feel my brain and my soul getting stimulated by this environment.

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I intentionally left this final update for last because it’s a big deal for me. It’s a step that feels both necessary and scary. Something pretty wonderful and unexpected happened recently. A friend of mine whose career is finding a lot of traction offered to recommend me to his managers. This was a few months ago and at the time I was really resistant to the idea. Since taking a step back from my career, I haven’t wondered much what others think of my physical appearance or if they’ll give me the permission to “be in the room” to do what I do. I’ve worked so hard to get to a place where my validation comes from me and how I feel about the creativity I’m expressing. My daily life is rewarding and deeply satisfying in a way I’d never known to expect or even seek out. Even so, I’ve started to be curious again about what opportunities might be out there for me. Instead of keeping the door completely shut, I wondered if I could open it a crack and invite some things in. I’d actually started to seek out connections with some local professional theaters but was having trouble breaking through the digital barrier. So, after mulling it over for 3 months I decided to accept the offer for the meeting. It was over Zoom, I was at home with Sadie on the couch next to me, and I felt good. I felt I could answer the questions about what kind of work I want to do and even who I am as a person. The managers were incredibly receptive and, what’s more, they were really complimentary of my work. One of the odd silver linings of this pandemic is that I have digital content now that I never made the time to create before being stuck at home! So through that (and a kind and glowing recommendation from my friend), they were able to get an introduction to me before we spoke. And by the end of the call we’d agreed to work together and try to find me work on stage, in movies, and on TV. Just like that. One conversation (well, two if you include the one with my friend), and your life can shift.

I won’t say I haven’t had some of those old imposter-syndrome nightmares since this agreement. I have. The ones where you wake up ashamed and not sure why. I’d expected this and I expect to experience some blows to my ego once I start auditioning again. That comes with the territory but it doesn’t really scare me like it used to. Before…this new version of me, of my life, I would have thought there was an inherent issue with me personally if I didn’t get a job. That I wasn’t deserving or hard working enough. Or worse, that I wasn’t talented enough. Those thoughts would stick to my soul and crawl out to taunt me when I was alone late at night. The little demon on my shoulder was ultimately what chased me away from my art because it was so tied up with the Career. The two are about to be entwined again. So am I scared? A little. BUT. I’m writing this on a beautiful porch on a beautiful day. It’s peaceful and safe. I’m itching to get back to my to-do list which is full of things that bring me joy. And my sweet, amazing family is here to love and validate me when I need or even when I don’t. So this time it is different. I’m different. And I’m capable of so much more than what I’d ever thought, and I’m ready to see how that comes through the next time I step onstage.